How to Put Positive Discipline Tools into Action and Encourage Your Child to Listen
“He never listens to me!”
“I have to tell him 10 times!”
“She’ll only pay attention if I yell!”
How many of you have ever felt this way? Chances are that nearly all of us have felt irritated by our child’s inability to listen and follow through with simple requests at one time or another.
Years ago, my child was soooooo adept at ignoring my requests that I actually took him to the ear doctor.
His ears were fine.
My parenting needed some fine-tuning, however. What I learned was that my shouting from across the house or lecturing about why my request was perfectly reasonable, and why was it so hard to listen and follow through with such simple requests, and what was he learning from the experience, blah blah blah blah wasn’t terrible effective. (How did I not know that to begin with? Alas, I’m still learning.)
Here are some parenting tools and tips to remedy your child’s case of selective deafness (inspired by Glenda Montgomery’s “Are you training your children to ignore you?”)
Scenario 1: It’s time to go to school. Child is upstairs playing.
What parents commonly do:
Stay downstairs and yell up to child that it’s time to go. Continue to shout, “it’s time to go!” while getting yourself ready for the next 10 minutes.
What child might be learning:
If I just ignore that yelling, I can keep doing what I like.
What to do instead:
Walk into child’s room and get at child’s level. Then say, “Hey, sweet boy. It’s time to go. I could use a hand with this bag. Would you please help me by carrying it to the car?”
Parenting Tools: Eye To Eye, Ask for Help
Scenario 2: Parent promised kids they would go to the park in 10 minutes. Parent is working on their computer.
What parents commonly do:
Call out to kids, “We are leaving in 10 minutes!” When 10 minutes are up, keep working on computer. After another 5 minutes, yell, “I told you to be ready in 10 minutes!” Then take the next 10 minutes to get yourself ready to leave while concurrently pushing the rest of the family along.
What child might be learning:
My parent doesn’t really mean what they say, so why pay attention? Also, 10 minutes really means 25 so I don’t really have to move until my parent starts moving or yells like s/he really means it.
What to do instead:
Get everyone’s attention. Let them know you are leaving in 10 minutes and that you will set a timer. After timer goes off, follow through and say, “It’s time to go!” (Make sure you get Eye To Eye.) Then leave.
ParentingTools: Eye To Eye, Follow Through
Scenario 3: Child didn’t feed the cat, which is their regular responsibility.
What parents commonly do:
Lecture child, telling them exactly the way things need to be and why. Then share your feelings about it (go on and on.) Then tell child what you think child’s feelings should be about it. Be logical, reasonable, and coherent (in your opinion.)
What child might be learning:
My parent thinks I’m an idiot. I can’t be trusted. This is boring/demeaning/irritating so I will tune out as a way to protect myself. (Child hears, “Blah blah blah, blame, shame, blah blah blah, blame, blah blah.”) Who wants to listen to that?
What to do instead:
Remind child with one word or a signal by saying, “Cat” or pantomime an agreed-upon signal for feeding the cat.
Parenting Tools: KISS (Keep It Short and Simple), Act vs. Speak, Silent Signal
Bring Peaceful Positive Parenting Into Your Home
You’ll probably agree that our busy lives make it hard to put these tools into practice. But when we can slow down long enough to remember positive parenting tools, it just feels soooo much better. Ahhhh!
If you’d like a little more practice and support, I invite you to slow down for an hour and tune in to 6 Obstacles to Peaceful, Positive Parenting (and how to get around them), a free TeleClass I’m facilitating on September 7th (replay available if you can’t make the date.)
Busyness is one of the six biggest obstacles I noticed while observing patterns in the parents I work with and also in myself.
Join this free Teleclass based on my coaching experience with hundreds of parents and Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen to learn the other five, and some simple tips to get around them. You’ll learn:
- The 6 most common obstacles that get in the way of peaceful, positive parenting
- The #1 perspective shift that can make all the difference
- Two simple, effective parenting tools that are easy to implement and improve respectful communication and cooperation right away
- My favorite phrase to invite rather than demand cooperation
- The most important thing you can do right now, to help you raise respectful, resourceful, and self-disciplined kids.
You will also have the opportunity to ask questions in a live Q&A.
“Thanks so much for offering this free tele class on positive parenting! It was well structured, delivered effectively and just the right amount of info and action items. I got several take-aways that I can implement right away with my son. Thank you!”
— Helen Bouras, Mother of 2 children
Click here to sign up for the free Tele-class
When you sign up you’ll also get direct access to your very own copy of the blueprint with the scenarios and tools above to keep on your refrigerator.
Warmly,
Marcilie
Latest posts by Marcilie Smith Boyle (see all)
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- Trusting Your Parenting Intuition Might Be A Really Good Thing (Especially If You Help It Along) - September 3, 2018
- Kids Routine Charts and Using Positive Discipline To Make them Work - February 20, 2018
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