A parent wrote in recently asking why timeouts are making her daughters behavior worse instead of better. She shares:

I have a 3 year old daughter that throws the biggest tantrums whenever i simply say no or disagree with her. She has picked up negative behaviors to calm herself. Such as slamming doors and using aggression.

I’ve been trying to get to her stop via time outs which leads her to crying so much they never actually start. Talking or taking away privileges, being strict…it only makes it worse.

I’m wondering if im missing something she cant express.  Any advice? 

Time outs used to be highly recommended for the toddler years as a way to discipline bad behavior.

Placing a toddler in the corner or on a chair and letting them reflect on their behavior was thought to help them stop behaviors like hitting, crying, whining and throwing mashed peas onto the wall.

To make timeout a bit more positive, recommendations of hugging kids after time out or telling them something nice were added into the mix.

The emotional rejection that is part of timeouts

Author of No Drama Discipline and clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, Daniel Siegel explains that even when followed up with loving hugs and kind words, children still experience time out as a rejection.

When you use time out because your child has made a mistake or is feeling emotionally overwhelmed, Siegel explains that essentially the message your child gets is that you will force them to handle any difficult feelings and mistakes on their own.

Little kids need help when they behave in unhelpful ways.

Placing a toddler in the corner or on a naughty chair is unlikely to prevent misbehavior from showing up again.

In fact, your toddler is more likely to repeat a misbehavior after time out. Time out can also leave your toddler feeling upset, confused and anxious.

Three Alternatives to Timeouts that Promote Learning and Better Behavior

1. Time In: This is almost like a time out, with one important change. You stay with your child in time in and support them until they have calmed down.

A time in can be customized to your child’s temperament and your needs. You can sit together on the couch, and take a moment to hug or sit quietly.

You can also step away from a difficult situation to a different place all together. For example, if you are in a crowded store, step outside for a bit so both of you can calm down in a quieter space.

The goal of a time in is to help your child feel safe, calm and ready to listen to your guidance.

A time in may take longer then a time out but is much more likely to help your child feel truly ready to choose a better behavior.

If you were having a power struggle or argument, a time in is a way to reset everyone’s mood so you can start your discussion over in a calm way.

2. Take time to Teach: Young children often choose behaviors that are unwanted because they don’t know yet what you expect or what is acceptable.

It’s important to take time to show your child was they CAN do, instead of only stopping them when they are doing something wrong.

Here’s an example of this tool in action

Let’s say your toddler is hitting the dog. Getting down to your toddler’s level and demonstrating how to properly pet and brush the dog gives your toddler important information to develop a new skill.  It’s not enough to just say “don’t hit the dog”.

Jane Nelsen D. Ed., author of the Positive Discipline series says it’s vital to take time for training and modeling.

Investing time to teach your child what you expect, for example how to calm down or how to politely disagree with you takes an initial time investment.

Here is some good news:

Any time you invest into teaching skills will help your child better handle the many challenges they will face as they grow.

3. Second Chances: A little “do over” is a great way to give your child an opportunity to stop any unhelpful behavior.

Second chances work very well when you take the time to first stop the unhelpful behavior and only then ask your child to try again.

If your child isn’t sure what a better choice is, take time to teach that first.

If your child is too overwhelmed or upset, slow down.

Before you try to “discipline” start with taking a time in so you can support your child’s emotional needs first.

Once your child is calm,  take time to teach. Focus on what your child is able to do differently.

Lastly,  give your child a second chance to fix their mistakes or start over.

These three steps together help your child sucessfully change their behavior while feeling capable, trusted and loved.

Your effectiveness as parents is in direct proportion to the strength of the bond you have with your child. – Pam Leo

Learning focused and positive strategies are not rewards for misbehavior.

These alternatives to timeouts allow you to build a very special bond with your child.

When you pause and help your child feel better you show your child they can trust you when they need you most.

Children don’t want to behave badly or upset you.

In fact the more connected your child feels to you, the more likely they are to accept your guidance and coaching towards better behavior.

Peace & Be Well,

Ariadne

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Ariadne Brill

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Ariadne is a happy and busy mama to three children. She practices peaceful, playful, responsive parenting and is passionate about all things parenting and chocolate. Ariadne has a Masters in Psychology and is a certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator. She lives on top of a beautiful mountain with her family, and one cuddly dog.

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