Motherhood can feel lonely at times. Starting in pregnancy, we may be faced with many choices and some may be different than other mamas-to- be in our social circles. Once baby is born and we are thrust full force into the first year of motherhood and many mothers discover just how competitive and isolating motherhood can be.
Things like breastfeeding, sleep arrangements, diaper choices…they all have the potential to divide moms. Well, they DO divide moms… And how terrible is that? Let’s face it, motherhood is amazing, giving birth, holding a newborn, the first smiles and coos, the milestones, these are unparalleled events in life…but it’s also life changing, mind boggling and often, very often exhausting…so WHY can’t moms just support each other?
Sometimes we live far away from family, or parenting choices create a rift among previously BFF’s and then we sit there, ALL ALONE…well, with a cuddly sweet baby that happens to poop, feed, sleep, cry and poop some more. Finding some sort of support system during pregnancy and later in the first year of motherhood and beyond can be invaluable.
Nearly 7 years ago I wasn’t having too much luck breaking into the local click of mama’s, but then I was really lucky to have found a great circle of mamas-to-be in an online forum. That particular forum closed down but we have stayed in touch, moving on from expecting to embracing motherhood.
Our parenting challenges have been diverse from the tragic loss of one of the babies in our circle to the amazing bonding we had over first smiles, first steps, second & third pregnancies, adoptions, difficult surgeries, cancer scares, starting school and, and, and!
Then finally I found another great group of local moms and we too were all very different but we clicked too. The wonderful yet unusual thing about both groups of mama’s is that we are all very different in our parenting/motherhood… Some of us have had c-sections, inductions, hospital deliveries, VBACs or adopted. Some of us have breastfeed into toddlerhood, formula fed, tried breastfeeding and switched to formula or pumped or supplemented. Some of us did cloth diapers, some did disposables…Some of us had easy sleepers, others had difficult, long, never ending colicky nights. Some of us used carriers and wraps, others used strollers…some of us did some sort of attachment parenting…the differences go on and on…
And yet…none of that stuff divided us because we care about each other and try to support each other in the real sense of support – we listen to each other, take on the venting, share the frustrations and embrace the celebrations. Our groups are not about being better, perfect, knowing it all or having to do things a certain way. In the true sense of community, we have embraced our differences and above and beyond our parenting choices we simply support each other, share information with open minds and make our own choices… knowing that there is one thing that we all certainly do the same, we all love for our children!
So what do you think…is moving beyond the mommy wars possible?
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Ariadne Brill
I think I’ve managed to stay out of them for the most part. The only time I’ve felt dragged into them is when I’ve had to defend the choices I’ve made. I think there’s something to be said for just getting on with it, being the instinctive parent that you want to be, and letting others stew in their own opinionatedness if they don’t like it! There are a handful of times when I’ve spoken up, particularly when I feel breastfeeding or physiological birth have been misrepresented in an unfair or uninformed way. I think the way to get beyond the mommy wars is to rise above them. 🙂
Yes. We can move beyond which “parenting” approach is better. One parent commented on my site “I sometimes think that just maintaining my sanity is good parenting.” …and I would add, that if the kids could join in the conversation, they would say: “Yes. At least don’t go crazy over me–I am more resilient than you think.”
–the oxygen mask principle.
Rick, thank you for stopping by…it’s so true, children hardly care which “method” they are being raised by, but they certainly will mind if parents are feeling so stressed or competitive they are loosing sight of the actual goal 🙂
Erin, thank you for sharing your experience, I think you make an interesting point, if there could be more sharing of actual information and less competition/conflict I think there would be a huge difference!
Yes, I think moving beyond Mommy Wars is totally possible! I think it boils down to accepting differences and embracing what truly matters. As you said, what truly matters is the love that we have for our children. That is the bottom line. The diapers, the feeding method, the parenting styles…those things will always depend on the person. The great thing is there is no ONE right way of doing things! Us Mamas have got to stick together, and build our communities instead of tearing each other down!
I love how you put it, stick together instead of tearing down!
Do the Mommy Wars really exist, or are they a media construct?