Inside: Understanding regression and misbehavior in your child after the birth of a baby sibling.
I’m having a very trying time with my three-year-old at the moment. He is a very bright, highly spirited and sensitive little boy. His baby brother was born just a month ago so I appreciate he has had a lot of change to deal with lately. But to be frank I am running out of ideas! He is very physical and often hurts me and the baby. I came under a lot of pressure from certain family members to take a firmer stand with him as they believed I was being too soft and rewarding bad behaviour. So reluctantly, I have started using time out even though it doesn’t fit with my ethos and I know it is not particularly effective either. I am simply at the end of my tether and do not know what else to do. I think he often behaves this way to get attention and it’s true if I am 100% focused on him, he will not act up. But with a 4-week-old baby to care for as well, this is simply not feasible. I would really appreciate any advice as I’m really not being the sort of mother I want to be right now.
Welcoming a new baby into the home is such a joy! When it’s the second baby or beyond, this wonderful time also comes with many challenges, including finding ways to respond to misbehavior and find positive discipline solutions for siblings that doesn’t leave them feeling left out.
Regression and Misbehavior When Baby is Born
Much like this mother has shared, for many children, the arrival of a new baby may bring with it a host of mistaken behaviors. Hitting, kicking, spitting, self-care regression like toilet refusal, bed wetting are very common.
When a new baby arrives, children may also experience a sudden inability locate a tooth brush or pajamas alone, they may whine and demand instead of making clear requests.
Children may also decide they no longer like certain foods, can’t sleep with the light off, must have mom’s hand to do everything. To top it all off, when mom and dad make an effort to connect and play together, children may respond by throwing intense, long lasting tantrums.
These steps “backwards” are all means toddlers and young children use for coping and expressing the mix of emotions that comes with a new baby “invading” their home.
Children that feel jealous of their siblings and act out are not bad, naughty or selfish.
Jealousy among siblings is normal. In fact, while it’s hard for us parents to hear it, it’s quite age appropriate and common for the older siblings, particularly those under the age of ten, to not only act out by pinching, poking and trying to hit, but to also say things like:
- “Send baby back to the hospital.”
- “I don’t want a brother.”
- “I’m the only baby”
- “I HATE that baby”
Many parents have this hope and vision of happy, loving, hand holding siblings. This is certainly possible, and it is not an effortless process. This is especially true when it comes to connecting and providing guidance based discipline to an older child when a new baby arrives and as they continue to grow together.
So what kind of connection and discipline does a child need when the baby arrives?
Understanding
Knowing what and where sibling jealousy comes from can help us reframe our expectations. Mostly, sibling jealousy is just human nature at work. Every child has an inner protective instinct to want to keep parents to himself.
Children also tend to appreciate predictability and would rather not “rock the boat” of their otherwise normal, known routine with a newcomer. Part of sibling jealousy it is also fear of rejection or fear of no longer being unconditionally loved by mom and dad. “What if they love the baby more than me?” is a genuine concern for many children.
Validation
If your child says hurtful things, like they hate you, they hate the baby and so on, listen with the intent to validate.
I remember telling my oldest a few weeks into the birth of his sister (baby #3) something like “Gosh sometimes it must feel so unlucky to have to have two other siblings. Man, I know the feeling, I had two little sisters myself. Most days I loved having sisters, but yeah, some days, I really wished my mom would hug only me!” His face lit up, and he knew I really did understand him.
Acceptance and validation has worked so well here with all three children, they genuinely love spending time together (save the occasional conflict!). 
Don’t insist siblings love each other, this will come with time, as they interact and discover how fun it can be to play and be with each other.
If a child says “I hate the baby” instead of making a big deal out of it, or insisting this cannot be true, take it as a clue that they may need some extra love, validation and comfort.
Improve Behavior with Increased Bonding and Connection
All children really need their love buckets or emotional well being cups filled often to feel well.
I know first hand it is one tough request from parents of a newborn to focus on meeting the individual needs of two, three, or more children, while being sleep deprived and juggling feedings, diaper changes and everything else.
Children with new siblings deplete their connection reserves faster then you can imagine. Be careful about saving time to bond only at the end of the day. As much as possible, pause, play and connect with your child for short moments throughout the day.
In the Positive Discipline Series by Jane Nelsen D.Ed., there is a wonderful tool for helping with connection: Special Time.
Special Time is all about making time to connect with your child. For a young child, set aside 10 minutes a day (or a few times a day if you can manage) to play, listen or just be fully present with your child.
This extra time with you makes a big difference to a child with a new baby sibling.
What to Know about Punishment and Helping Children Cope With New Baby
Children that have a new sibling at home are already dealing with a lot of big feelings, routine changes and possibly wondering if they will be rejected or still loved. Punishment and consequently making a child feel badly about themselves will not help them feel accepted, loved and want to cooperate.
As the mother shared in her post, it’s not effective anyways. While as parents we may feel like by punishing we are “doing something” about the misbehavior, really it’s not giving the child what they really need. In turn this will lead to a cycle of more mistaken behaviors and more punishments. (If you find yourself under pressure from others, try to remind yourself, that you are the parent and that if you are confident with your decision, then your child will be more likely to follow your guidance.)
The Alternatives for punishment that will take care of immediate misbehavior
1. Use Positive Discipline
Set limits with kindness and follow through. For example, if an sibling is poking the baby simply say “I will not let you poke the baby.” Calmly, stand between your two children and make it physically clear you are setting a limit. If the older sibling cries, kicks, hits, screams, as a response, limit the behavior but stay present, listen, validate and wait for the storm to pass. If both children cry at the same time, take a deep breath.
This moment WILL pass. Sit on the floor, hold the baby and offer to hold your older child as well. (Use your best judgement here as to how best keep everyone safe!) If your older child refuses your comfort, calm the baby down and then reconnect with the older child when they are ready. Tears and tantrums are not things to be punished or bribed away. Sometimes children really just need to off load a whole lot of stored up feelings. Trust that your child is able to feel all this and come through on the other side just fine.
2. Be Proactive
Being pro-active is also really important so supervise, supervise and supervise. If you are dealing with aggression, know where each child is at all times to keep everyone safe.
If you have a toddler or preschooler that is getting “into trouble” when you are tending to baby have them stay close by with a box of toys and books for example.
This box can be special and only given to the child when you must tend to the baby. Shut the door to one room so you are all together if you must make sure your toddler is not escaping into “trouble.” Setting these physical limits allows you to remain calm and focused on one task at a time.
3. Flexibility is KEY
Include flexibility into your parenting decisions in these early weeks, making exceptions is really OK if they are framed as such. Also keep your expectations realistic, while the baby is very small and needs you often, the older sibling needs you too. Toddlers and preschoolers make many immature and impulsive decisions, and it’s easy to forget this when they seem so much bigger and more capable then little baby!
4. Involve & Encourage Your Child
Let older siblings help, but not in a way that they feel obligated. Instead, welcome the child’s participation in the baby’s care and their own care. Invite children to cook with you, to read a story out loud to the baby, to fold their own socks plus baby socks etc…Say thank you and express appreciation for their assistance. If your older child is asking for extra help with their own care (more hungs, mommy dries my hair, pick me up, I’m the baby…) tend to the requests as best as possible, this phase WILL pass!
5. Talk about your love for your child each and every day.
Explain that your heart has enough love to go around and that you will never stop loving your little one.
Children really need to hear this a lot when a new sibling is born. “I love you sooo much, I am so happy I get to be your mom!!”
Take heart, this phase will pass.
Expecting misbehavior and mistaken ways to gain attention in the first few months of the arrival of a new sibling makes it easier to navigate it when it happens.
Use your positive parenting tool box, like validation, listening, setting limits, offering second chances and so on.
It’s precisely when children “misbehave” that they need us to use our tools to offer them positive guidance.
Peace & Be Well,
Ariadne
Ariadne Brill
I really enjoyed the article. I have been trying really hard to promote positive parenting with my first two (3y and 5y). But for me it seems the more I empathise and the more I try and connect the worse my eldest is. She is so aggressive with her sister and just hits her for no reason and then she laughs when I bring them together in a ‘peace ring’ and just goes through the motions of apologising and will do the same thing again two minutes later. I feel she has no respect for me or what I am saying. We are expecting our third and I am petrified as to how this will play out. Any thoughts. Thanks so much
I have just discovered you and your helpful posts. I have a four year old, a 23-month old, and a four week old baby. I have felt as if I’m drowning at times because of misbehavior and extra neediness from my older two, and I’m guilty of expecting too much from them because they are older. My older two seem to either be fighting or “escaping” to get into some sort of mischief, so I love your idea about corralling them in a space with special toys for times I am nursing the baby, etc. I have been poorly equipped in positive parenting methods and have tried everything to help with listening and misbehavior. Having read this, I’m excited to put your tips into practice and help my older two receive what they need from me. I’m also excited to feel more in control of life and confident in the way I handle problems. Thank you!
Hi Eliza,
Siblings often instigate conflict with one another because they are so sure this will being mom or dad running to make peace. Do you find your limits are clear? Do you find they are truly ready to make peace when you place them in the ring? Do they have to enter the ring or is it a choice? I understand the sentiment and idea behind a peace ring, it can be a wonderful place to exchange reflective listening, but I am wondering if your daughter is feeling annoyed or frustrated with her sister and not really done feeling what she is feeling by being in the peace ring. Are they actually ready to make peace or this important to you? It’s ok if it is important to you, but can you see the possibility that the apology will not be genuine (therefore the behavior will return) if the feelings are not really fully processed yet? Can you allow the sisters to just not be getting along for a bit, as in give them space to be mad or annoyed at each other, allow them to separate and to use a calming ritual before they chose to be together again? Does the oldest remember when her sister arrived? Is she nervous about sharing yet again? What if anything can you do to connect and try to understand what is really under this aggression? I hope these questions are helpful, please feel free to follow up or send me an email!
Stacey, I am so glad to hear this was helpful to you and I wish you well on your continued parenting journey!
This situation is just like mine.. My three year old always steals the babies toys and hides them, or always wants to play with them when the baby has them.. She takes extra long to do things, won’t feed herself anymore, annoys everyone and whines constantly.. It’s really annoying.. We mostly started sending her to her room when she does something that is not nice like hitting the baby or just anything to the baby.. She’s good on the other hand with her.. But it’s like no matter how much attention we give her, she cant just be alone for 1 min without jumping on us or doing something to get our attention.. I relieze it’s normal for them to do this..But I can’t help but be very annoyed and feeling disconnected because my child has NEVER done this until the baby.. ive rarely dealt with this behaviour or having to yell.. I try to put these steps in motion.. But I can’t help but feel this angry and hateful feeling when she starts acting like this that i don’t even want to be around her anymore.. Disconnected you can say.. That when she cries, i just dont care. Any Advice?
Hi Becca,
The transition from one to two children can be so hard. It’s also something that I find doesn’t get discussed so openly, afterall it can feel very raw and vulnerable to openly admit that they dislike their oldest child now that baby has arrived. I’m sure you still love your three year old very very much but that it feels hard to show it right now…. Here is the truth, you are not alone in feeling like this, you are tired, most likely sleeping much less than before or experiencing very broken sleep. Having to stretch yourself between two very young children’s constant needs is a full time job. Age three is challenging without the arrival of a sibling and as you noticed your three year old is feeling challenged with this transition. In my coaching practice, when mama’s are feeling like this we work on self- forgiveness and compassion. We also make lists of all the good things you see, love and adore about your older child. When you are so angry you can’t take it anymore, you go and read that list over and over and stare at her baby pictures and recent pictures and when you are ready you go and give her a big hub and kiss. ASK for help if someone can help you with the care of both babies so you can get some rest (a mother’s helper, a cleaner, family or a baby sitter?). Look into really good activities that your 3 yr old may like to do like audio books, blocks and busy bags, help her learn to play independently but keep her company too. Get outside walking (really helps re-shift your mood) and if you can find a fenced in park let your 3 year old run to let out energy! If you feel hopeless or irritated to the brink, please reach out for help. This will get better and easier, it really will!!
Thank you so much that is a great idea to make a list!! Im going to do that and pin them on the fridge. 🙂
Ariadne, I’m late to the party… Just read your article, referred by my daughter’s school counselor. Thx for good healthy & + parenting tips. All I need is to remember this & use it/ practice it daily. It’s hard to think straight & make the good decision/choices when I’m angry. I like the idea of making the list of all the good about my older child, especially when its for a very stubborn & defiant 6 year old (power struggle). She pulled some numbers on us recently, to the point I’m very worried & concerned about her hurting herself more seriously. I know… setting clear limits/boundries. Pls help TIA
Becca, Thank you for being so honest in your post. It’s hard to say that that you don’t want to be around one of your kids out loud. It’s everything I’ve been thinking. I have a 12yr old, 3.5year old, and a 6 week old. My oldest, though not always thrilled with having another baby’s schedule slow our regular schedule down, is tremendously helpful with the new baby. She’s even better than she was with her other sister was born. I know she has been a little frustrated with the changes, but she jumps in and we spend time together while I’m caring for the baby. My 3.5 year old is a rough and tumble little girl, naturally aggressive and quite dramatic/imaginative. She’s really having a hard time accepting the baby. As I’ve read is typical, she’s regressed from fully potty trained day and night, to back in diapers at night and daytime is pretty iffy. She is extremely aggressive anytime she’s around the baby, hitting, pinching, poking her, then turning around and begging to hold “her” baby. I feel horrible that most of the time I have to say no or ask her to back up from the baby, but I can’t trust her. Her fits have ramped up and most of her anger is directed physically at me. When she can’t take it out on me or an opportunity arises, she takes it out on her big sister. This has been happening throughout the pregnancy as well, so she and her big sister have a very strained relationship (though big sister had to help with her despite the feelings.) On top of the acting out and the physical/destructive behavior, she has not been sleeping well, so even when I get the baby down, I am still up with the 3 year old. I’m at my wit’s end. There are days I can’t stand to be in the same room with her. She is normally a very thoughtful child, full of empathy and wanting to take care of people. I miss seeing that in her. I am not parenting the way she needs. I have been guilting myself by thinking that all I do these days is correct/punish my child, and that I’m going to ruin my sweet girl that I really do love dearly. I am just trying to survive this season. All this to say, Becca, I completely understand and pray that things will get better soon. Ariadne, I am going to try the methods suggested here, and I pray that they will help. I know they definitely won’t hurt. Thank you!
Ashley,
Thank you for your honest sharing here. You are going through a very challenging and often difficult time in parenting, a new baby is a blessing and for the children already in the house it can be a huge transition. I hope the suggestions are helpful to you – I am always available for questions via mail info@positiveparentingconnection.net and we have a Q&a group on facebook too if you just need a place to talk to me and other parents. It’s OK to forgive no biggies right now for the 3.5 yr old – she is going to act out and test and test that love – I wish you much strength and patience as you all adjust.
My daughter turns four next month and I just had a baby two months ago. My older daughter never says she hates the baby or she wants the baby to leave – but she has been having extreme temper tantrums over and over again every single night – to the point that she is throwing things and kicking me. This behavior is never directed at the baby – only me. It is so hard because I feel like I am going above and beyond to fill her up with love – I make a huge deal when she helps with the baby, have been making sure to have special time with her, going on “one on one” dates with her, asking her to help me in the kitchen and with other chores, telling her how much I love her, etc. On top of all this, I am almost taking care of the baby – it’s exhausting. Despite all my efforts, the tantrums keep happening and I go to bed every night feeling like a failure – not to mention feeling like I am walking on egg shells wondering when my older daughter will blow up next. So hard, so exhausting!
Hi Rae,
I would encourage you see your daughters tantrums as an emotional release and not a negative reflection on your part. Just the opposite, your daughter feels safe enough to release all her feelings at the end of the day and as such is crying. If her fits become aggressive and so often to the point that your regular daily life is disrupted do reach out to your pediatrician for some reassurance and a check up. If the tantrums really are just an end of the day happening, do know that with time and your patience and guidance your daughter will learn to regulate her emotions better. You may want to start talking about feeling words and reading books that talk about anger , sadness etc so your daughter has more to add to her emotional vocabulary. The first few months with a baby is often challenging for the whole family, don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. If you have another family member that can take your daughter out so you can rest that would be good for both of you as well. Lastly, instead of making a “huge” deal about her helping, try to just welcome her to help and if she wants to, thank her, if not , let her be. She may feel a bit pressured to “perform” like a big sister. In other words, let her do a little less if she seems to want to just be on her own sometimes. I hope this helps you.
We have 3.5 year old daughter who was such a great kid. She was so grown up for her age. Well behaved, sweet, understanding, caring… We had no tantrums, ever. If she wanted something she couldn\’t get we would explain why she can\’t have it and she would be fine. If we said NO to something, she would listen. When we told her to do something she would do it. She was a perfect little girl. Always hugging us and telling us how much she loves us. Two weeks ago she got a little sister. She has no problems with the baby. She loves her but keeps her distance. She would come every now and then to touch and kiss her but mostly doesn\’t pay attention to the baby. However her behavior towards everything and everyone else has changed drastically. She cries all the time. If things are not her way she\’ll either scream and shout or cry. If she wants something, it has to be done same second, she can\’t wait. If she asks for something that\’s not possible to do or get, no matter how much we try to explain, she\’ll demand and throw tantrum. She talks back and argues when told things she doesn\’t like and even told us she doesn\’t want to be a good girl any more. There are times when she completely ignores us. Won\’t answer our questions and just shuts herself out. Also, she\’s getting physical and aggressive towards her toys. We don\’t know how to deal with this. Her father is short tempered. He yells and punishes her by taking things away. Me, on the other hand, am trying to be understanding, caring and to show her love. I try to spend lots of time with her but nothing is ever enough. No matter what I do, I can\’t reach her and reason with her. I feel like I\’ve lost my sweet little girl and it\’s killing me. Have I really lost her? Could this be just a phase she\’s going through? What should I do?
I have 5 children from age 21 to 4 weeks old , although I am an exsperienced mother I have never had two in close age range as I do now . I have a 23 month old and an 1 month old I’m breast feeding them both ( thinking this would help the adjustment) and I am at my wits end with my very spirited 24 month old she’s been very aggressive biting slapping her new sister and it seems to come out of nowhere when everything is calm and it looks like she is coming over to be nice . I understand she is jealous, and have tried dealing with it in different ways but non seem to work I need help !
How do you help when this is happening not only at home but at school…my almost 4 year old who has an 8 am old baby sister is also exhibiting the same behaviors at school towards his friends and teachers…he hits , tales things, doesn’t participate, and kicks teachers….we are scares he is going to get kickedout of school…even though this is a positive parenting school.i am not sure they will be patient enough to run the course of this behavior…he started the school two weeks after sister came and th4 behavior seems to be getting worse instead of better….please help….
Hi Christine,
It sounds like your 4 year old is really struggling at school and with following the teachers expectations. If you see that these behaviors are present both at home and at school, it can be very helpful to start setting some kind and firm limits at home with a lot of empathy and room for your four year old to fully feel any feelings that come up with limits. Don’t let your child hit or kick at home – intervene right away and let him know that is not going to be accepted. You may need to brace yourself to listen to tears and frustration – some children may even rage and scream when given clear limits. Don’t become permissive at home because the child is having a hard time at school. Quite the opposite is needed – clear, loving structure both at school and home. Give your child age appropriate choices but don’t make everything into a negotiation. Beyond that, also make sure to make plenty of time to connect with your four year old one on one, leaving baby with another trusted caregiver and taking time to play, giggle and listen to your child. You may find initially that your child is mad at you during these one on one times or that he acts out very much – keep trying to set kind limits and get back to playing. Resist saying you will stop playing if the acting out continues and try to find a way to enjoy each other. Ask the teachers at preschool to also spend just two minutes before and after school trying to connect with your son and asking him to talk about himself, what he enjoys etc… the more the teachers can show positive interest in him – while at the same time setting clear limits the better. This is the kind of transition that can be helped a lot with one on one coaching so that you can have really specific, personalized parenting tools that can help your family. This is a tough time for your four year old but your continued guidance and having faith that he can do better can make a huge difference!
I have two children. My little girl will turn 3 next month and a 3 week old little boy. My daughter’s behavior has turned upside down. She has gotten into trouble almost everyday at daycare. Spitting on teachers and her friends, knocking things over, hitting and throwing toys. They have moved her to a different room but with no success on her behavior changing. At home it’s not much better. She’s not listening to anything my spouse and I ask out of her. No, or I don’t want to has became her new favorite words.
She does ok with the baby she wants to be around him, give him kisses, she’s a little rough sometimes where we have to pull her away bc she won’t listen to us when we tell her to be gentle. We’ve tried timeout, and unfortunately even a spanking. We have had special time with just her(tool her to the store to pick out new toys, coloring books etc – came home and played with her), I let her cook with me, try to engage activities. We don’t know what else to do. We have taken the phone, tv, away from her at night when she gets home from daycare. I’m still on my 6week leave of absense from work while my spouse is back at work. I would love to have my daughter back! She’s so smart and knows she has done wrong. She will come to us and say I’m sorry for hitting or not listening I’ll do better. But she doesn’t. Please help!
My 3 year old daughter is starting to try and hurt our 6 month old. This always happens when I need to hold the baby and take care of him like nurse him or something. Most recently when dad handed baby to me, she bit his toe hard enough to leave teeth marks. I can’t see that she is about to do it because she is below my line of sight when I’m holding baby. This has happened 3x now. She also screams and cries VERY aggressively. She won’t stop until I pass baby back to dad and tend to her. I validate her feelings and tell her it’s ok to be angry but I can’t allow her to hurt baby brother. This is not changing her behavior. I spend time with her each day one on one. I tell her I love her and that she’ll always be my first born daughter. We have a picture book of her as a baby and growing at each stage. Most of the time, she’s ok with baby brother. She’ll say she loves him, etc. but then we have these violent outbursts, and I don’t know how to curb it. We have also talked about positive ways to express anger like ripping paper, lions roar, dancing, jumping, etc. It just seems like the aggressive behavior is increasing right now. What else can I do when she hurts baby to help with this behavior?
This article is a wonderful guide but implementing is a huge challenge. I’m the mother of a 26 month old boy and 8 month old twin girls. I’m at the pont where I have become frustrated with my son hurting his sisters. Just recently he jumped on one of his sister’s leg causing her a buckle fracture and I was sitting right next to her as she was on her tummy. Whenever he comes near them he attempts to carry them or be aggressive no matter how much i ask him to be gentle. I’ve been putting him in time out because I feel like I don’t have any other option. Do toddlers at this age typically understand that they are hurting their siblings? Most times he shows them love by kissing them and wanting to hug them. I can’t imagine that he intends to hurt them. I will definitely try the idea of sitting between him and his sisters and setting limits . Do you have any other tips that would help for a 26 month old? Thanks.
Hi Jenn,
Lots of supervision is so important at this point and I realize that writing this out is far easier than having to do it. Having a toddler or having twins are challenges … you are living both at the same time and things are not going to be easy for a little while. With some planning and being very proactive you can keep everyone safe. It would be wise to keep your toddler away from the twins unless you are available to supervise closely until this more impulsive phase has passed. DO practice setting clear limits. You ask if your toddler understands that he is hurting the twins – It’s very likely your toddler does not understand his full strength and especially does not appreciate what a fracture or injury really means to a small baby. If he is trying to hurt the twins, regardless of the reason it’s very important to stop him always and keep setting limits. Asking to be gentle sounds like it’s not working, so be more specific “you can pat your sisters leg like this (and you demonstrate on him what a light pat feels like)” and “I’d like you to sit on this side of me to play” (instead of “you can’t be next to your sister”)….So focus on what your toddler CAN do and yes this takes a lot of repetition. While your toddler seems “big” compared to the twins, he is still very young, very immature and needs a lot of reassurance from you to transitions well to this idea of sharing you with two sibs. If you can arrange for someone to help you a few times a week so you can dedicate some time to your toddler one on one that will likely be very helpful as well.
Hi Rae,
Much of what you are describing sounds typical although not at all easy to deal with. It seems like you are doing a lot of the tried and true things that can help siblings adjust such as spending time together and validating feelings. One thing that jumps out to me is what you wrote about giving baby back to dad, this might be something you may want to reflect on, with great care and calm and see if there is a way to avoid giving the baby back. This is a fine and difficult decision to make, where you need to balance the need of your 3 year old to feel loved but at the same time you need to trust that IF you recognize the baby needs your care and dad is perfectly capable to meet the needs of your 3 year old, it is the parents that need to make this decision clear. Do you find yourself reassuring her a lot? Do you think instead of words you both may benefit from less reassurance talks and just enjoy time together? As for hurting the baby 1. Prevention (I know this is a tall order) 2. Whenever possible, whichever parent doesn’t have the baby should try to connect with the 3 year old as a transition. So baby goes to one parent, other parent takes care of 3 year old, very mindfully, engaged and authentically (so avoid silly distractions that she will see right through this) so that there is an automatic SAFETY barrier built in. This does take a lot of proactive thought in passing baby back and forth and it’s worth the effort 3. Try to see the outbursts as a release of emotions and not something that must be stopped – with time, if you continue to provide clear guidance your 3 year old’s self-regulation abilities will get better. There really isn’t a magic formula as much as there is a need to continuously work on connecting, listening, and also recognizing that this isn’t easy for your three year old, she is struggling with the changes and as baby gets more mobile, more engaging and part of the family you will likely need to work even more at this. I hope this helps you, if you have more questions feel free to email me 🙂 info@positiveparentingconnection.net
I just discovered this article and am really going to try to control my own emotions when my daughter has a tantrum. My daughter is 2 and we just brought home her baby sister 10 days ago. She is generally good and happy, bUT when the baby cries, everything comes crashing down. My toddler will scream, cry, and hit herself on her stomach. She is speech delayed, so she cannot express her feelings like the average 2 yr old. We aren’t really sure how to help her control these tantrums except for bringing hey into another room with the other parent. No other loud sounds bother her, so I don’t think it’s a sensory thing. I too just want them to get along and her to get comfortable with the baby. But I know it’s input been 10 days :/
Hi! I really enjoyed reading this article. It found it to be very helpful. I’m just wondering if you can help me our here: I’m in middle of writing an APA paper about this topic, and I would like to cite this article. Has it been printed anywhere else aside from this website? I just wanna make sure I’m citing it correctly… Thanx!
Hi Bassy,
This is the original of this article. The Author is Brill, Ariadne “How to Discipline when A New Baby Arrives and Siblings Act out” is the original title.
Hi Brandy
Keep giving it a bit of time – this is a big transition for all of you. Things will start getting better. Sometimes toddlers are afraid of babies crying and they also think they are losing attention and love because of it. If you have a way to give her one-on-one attention a few times a day you may see some changes. best wishes!
[…] if a child is hungry, tired, or running on low on parental attention. This is a big reason behind toddlers acting out when babies arrive. Beyond basic needs, mismatched temperaments can also be big triggers for sibling […]
Good day.
What an insightful and impressive article.
I am a father. My wife is a veritable supermum.
We have a 3 year old son and a 2 month old daughter, you can imagine the rest.
I have long work hours, but play quite a lot with my son, which we both appreciate.
When he is aggressive/frustrated, is playing rough a vent or a promotion of aggressive behaviour?
What do I do when both children only want mummy. I try to take the big boy away to play, but he sees through my plan.
Peace and be well to you too
Hello,
The roughhousing play is not a promotion of aggression so long as there are boundaries being set , i.e. not ok to actually hurt anyone (eye poking, hard hitting, biting) and when such boundaries are set, for example lets say you are wrestling and the child bites “you can’t bite me, that hurts”, if the child cries, accept the tears as this is a way for the child to release stress, so ideally a parent doesnt bribe, tickle, or insist the crying stop, instead the parent stays close by, listens and waits for the child to calm down. When both children want mummy, you do the best you can to help, again if there are tears and protest that is alright, trust that you are a capable care provider and don’t take it personally. remember that you know that you love your child and that you can offer care and kindness, even if they can’t see it or thank you for it, this is what they need, your calm but confident leadership, reassuring words “you wanted mom to help you, i understand”…you don’t have to excuse or apology, simply understand. In that moment, the two parents can decide which child is going to be cared for by which parent, and do it as best and calmly as you can. When mom is available she can then check in with the other child and so on. I hope that helps you 🙂
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