How to help your clingy toddler feel more comfortable and confident.
Once upon a time, my daughter went through a very clingy toddler phase, and I mean really, very, up please, hold me please, come with me please, I can’t go there alone, up ! up!, carry me, sleep next to me, hold me more, kind of clingy.
While she did play independently very well as a toddler, she definitely had clingy moments where she needed loads of extra loving attention.
In playgroups, parents and I discuss clingy toddlers so often. Most toddlers have clingy phases. Some toddlers have very clingy phases. A toddler that is clingy is going through a very normal phase of childhood.
Clingy Behavior in Toddlers is Normal
When a child is clingy, it may be at times overwhelming or tiring, but based on what we know about child development, and specifically, the parts of the brain that help humans keep their cool, assess danger and feel safe, being clingy is actually an age appropriate response to many situations.
It’s ok to respond to a clingy toddler.
responding will not spoil them or make them forever dependent upon being picked up and carried everywhere. A study at the Univesity of Washington, by Monica Oxford, Ph.D. also supports the notion that more attentive care and less stressful separations can improve sleep and decrease “acting out” or attention seeking (bad) behavior and strengthens the overall parent-child relationship.
Responding to a clingy child helps them feel safe and promotes a secure attachment.
When your child is unable to un-glue herself from you, try to validate feelings and fears.
- “I see you don’t want to be far from me.”
- “You seem to need to be close to me right now, I’m here for you.”
- If you need to separate for a drop off, do so calmly and confidently while providing reassurance and validation.
- “I can see you are sad that I am leaving. I will be back to pick you up at 11 am. I love you.”
Ignoring a clingy toddler will not make them become independent sooner, quite the opposite.
A study at the University of Minnesota by Alan Stroufe supports the idea of not ignoring clingy toddlers. Most often, ignoring clingy children or making them stay alone when they need comfort will prolong the clingy phase. This happens because the clingy toddler gets stuck in fear, confusion and has a lack of a “secure base” or a safe caregiver (mom/dad/other) to count on.
Children are designed to seek out comfort from their parents.
This keeps them safe and helps them learn how to keep their cool when overwhelmed, balance a sense of what is really dangerous and what is not, as well as becoming more confident about taking risks on their own. If we could hear all the thoughts from our toddlers, it might sound a bit like
“Oh I see a black furry four legged thingy over there, it’s walking by me…pause, wait, don’t panic… is that a CAT? uhm…better go check in with mom…w a l k over there, hey this walking thing is getting easier, neat, ok now ask UP? UP? Pick up?? Seriously, UP now, black furry thing alert!! So, if mama is calm about this possible CAT sighting then maybe I will be just fine. Look at that, mama is ok with it,she said LOOK it’s a BLACK CAT…mama is smiling. Ok I’m fine. Let me get down please. wiggle, squirm, yeah I know I just got up here, I have more things to discover now…see you soon.”
Yes, one minute a toddler will cling for dear life and the next they may wiggle away. If you consistently encourage your toddler to explore and play, and provide safety when your toddler needs more contact with you, very likely the need to cling will reduce quickly.
Toddler brains are just not mature enough to really know safe from unsafe just yet.
Not even at age three or five are children’s brains fully mature enough to really respond well to distress, real or imagined.
Turning to parents when fearful or worried about a black cat, clowns, rocks, shadows, rain, lady bugs, sticky paint, that lady at the store saying “hi there, cutie pie!”, a new food, lots of people in one room is totally normal behavior for toddlers.
Clingy toddlers do not remain clingy forever. Clingy toddlers are also not spoiled.
Clinging to mom or dad is often a signal that the child is looking for more information. The toddler might be trying to keep it all together or feel frightened. The need to stay very close to you is likely to increase when your child is feeling sick or very tired. Clinging (or checking in often) can also mean that your child is inquisitive and really happy to have a responsive, loving care giver nearby.
It’s certainly not a sign of weakness or that you have spoiled your child and doomed them to dependency.
This too shall pass….
Remember my very clingy daughter? She is now in elementary school and generally a very calm, confident and sweet child. While that phase years ago seemed like it would never pass, it really did. Your toddler’s clingy phase will likely pass soon as well.
Responding to your clingy toddler builds trust.
When you respond to your child calmly, confidently and without invalidating their feelings, you are giving them the information they need to move through and forward their uncertainty.
Building this kind of trust will be the basis, going forward to working together towards cooperation. Clingy toddlers, don’t cling forever. When reassured, loved, and cared for in this stage, toddlers may blossom into confident, capable, happy children.
Peace & Be Well,
Ariadne
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Related Resources
Book: 12 Alternatives to Time Out
NEW!! Behavior Changes You can Expect to See In Your Child while Sheltering In Place.
Being clingy and having trouble with separation are a bit different – for some information on separation anxiety take a look at this post from Hand in Hand Parenting on 20 Ways to heal Separation Anxiety
Toddler Approved: Taming Toddler Clinginess
Ariadne Brill
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Thank you for the information. Very informative. Do you have any thoughts on why my son (20 months) is most clingy after his afternoon nap? Thanks in advance.
Renee,
Many toddlers are clingy after naps and need some time to cuddle and be close to their parent or caregiver before they are ready to go off to play, explore, have a snack or go run an errand. Some children’s temperament is that of being slower to waking up and needing that physical contact with you. This closeness after napping is reassuring to the child and can be used as a moment to create a strong bond. If you can dedicate a while to waking up, cuddling and just being together, one idea is to proactive build in that extra time into your routine, know that your tot needs your attention and connection for a while after waking. Most of the time this phases passes (even if in the moment it may seem like it takes a long time).
Hi, I am desperately seeking advice on toddler clinginess relapse. My little girl has always been very attached to me and went through an EXTREME clingy phase from around 17 months to 2 years age. Then she gradually got better, would play independently and would go to almost anyone. She had some hiccupps here and there (preschool) but she was generally doing fine and thriving as a kid. Then since past one month, things have gone downhill like crazy! My daughter wants only me, doesn’t even let me go to the washroom, cries if I leave the room, does not let her daddy bathe or feed her, does not go to any familiar faces except me, my hubby and her grandparents, has been resisting preschool like anything and does not play on her own at all. It has become impossible to do anything in the house. There have been no major changes in our lives as such. Everybody tells me it is just a phase but she did go through one such phase already!!!! WHy again? and why me? I see ALL kids her age have outgrown this phase and are little independent toddlers who obviously want to be close to mama but do not act like a clingy baby. WHy my girl? and for how long?!! It is impossible for me to not get stressed.